The wrong side of reno

Tonight should be fun! I get to hang out with Laila for a bit, she leaves for Iran (ee-rahn) tommorrow, she will be gone for a whole month, thats going to be lame!

BUT, I get to hang out with some cool people tonight, I get to see some cool music, I am probably going to drink quite a bit of Red Stripe.... I love Jamaican Lager's


Work today was hard, I am realizing that I am going to be here a while, maybe I dont want to be here, but maybe I do...

I think I need to find happiness here

its official, I have the guts.


Jonny out!

Love is a fast song

I get so imobilized by certain things, I have never really understood it.... I really think I have Adult on-set A.D.D. or "shiny object syndrome" as my mother calls it.

Its thursday and its a nice day today, I really want to go for a bike ride tonight, I just hate how dark it gets, its so lame and cold, I miss summer and thursday nights... Do you remember what they used to be like

The mass of people, pedels pumping, legs pounding, down hills, Through traffic

To the beach, to the gardens, through the city that we all love

There was something so simple about thursday nights back then, something mystical, something subtle, no names, no brands, no path, just

air
breathing



courage
persistance


Strength
wonderlust

How we long to find that desire again, in the eyes of a woman, in the scent of her hair, in the red in her lips, the mystery that is her...

but the truth? the truth is, that mystery, that wonderlust, belongs to all of us... she looks right at you... she sees the same mystery... you look right at the moon...

mystery

That frost on the window in the morning

mystery

I never want to leave that moment, I never want to lose that mystery, I will look in her eyes, I will look in your eyes, and I will see you, and in that, I will find the mystery

I pray you see the same in me.


Lets go for a bike ride!

Pack your bags, We are leaving tonight

I was in a meeting way over my pay grade today, It seems that is the way its going to be for a while, I am learning alot, but also I get frustrated alot.

Corporations need commitees, meetings, signitures and testing... and many many people to sign off on things BEFORE anything gets done.

There are some new things happening here at Microsoft, some very exciting things, BUT nothing works right now, and its going to take alot of overtime to get it working... tonight for example, I will be here till ten p.m....

yes, I start at eight a.m. and I will be here till ten p.m.

14 hours

thats my life right now





oh man






this is so overwhelming

My tummy is hungry

Lunch time soon, I am going to have a cheese burger with peanut butter!

Yes, you heard right, CHEESE burger with PEANUT butter

next to a hot dog with cream cheese it doesnt get any better, Me and the new roomies are working out the lease tonight... thats going to be fun! then come January 1st I will be in the new house with the "lava carpet" down the hall, I am so amped for the move, it will be a very good thing!

So I have decided that I have the guts now, you know, to do the thing that I have not had the guts to do? get it? Short story... Guts, I have em! Jon>Fear, Jon>foot in mouth, Jon will conquer, Jon will succeed, Jon will overcome... Guts, I have em!

Now lets hope I have them come sunday at around 6:25 pm.... im just saying... I might need a pep talk...

Bible study should be a good one tonight, we are going over what pastor tim talked about on sunday, I thought it was a very good sermon, I am excited to see where he takes the new down town campus.

I am going to eat my Peanut butter and grilled meat sandwich now!

A boy with a coin.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

So church last night was awsome, I had a great time hanging out with Brandon and the new friends, I am going to see The Cave Singers and The Fleet Foxes on friday, I am excited for the show.

Has anyone seen MASH? I got amped watching it with my mom and dad over the weekend, AND Fast Fridays AND MACAFRAMA are coing out soon... those bootleg sessions look pretty sweet too...

I think Laila and I are going to go on a ride this week, who wants to come, she leaves for Iran next week... long time no see, lets make it happen!!

This is what makes my head spin

This is so overwhelming.

How long till your arms have held me?

I cant belive I dont get to hold him on his birthday, I cant belive I dont get to sing to him today, I dont get to tell him I love him, I cant belive I dont get to hold him on his birthday!

This is not the way it was supposed to be, no one is supposed to feel this, I didnt walk out on her, I want to be there, I want to be there, with him! I am not a bad person, I have just made mistakes, I never should have let her say goodbye, pack up everything I love and move away, I wish I had the power to bring them back, but I am so tired.

I lost four very dear freinds this last week, but I have gained so much knowledge in return, I met four people last night that I would like to include in at least part of my life. Lets see what happends next.

Do the Cha Cha

First off, to all who shared the evening with me at the Cha Cha, Thank you!

I have not had that much fun in a VERY VERY long time, Happy birthday to Caitlin, It was my pleasure pouring you into the cab to take you and your friends home, I hope you dont have too much of a hangover. GO 21!!!

The photo booth was RAD!

Pitchers of Ranier for $6! YESSS!

The best part of the night was that the bar tender played an ENTIRE blink 182 album!!! SOOOO GREAT!!!! I cant tell you how many memories that brought back, GOOD memories.


There is nothing like closing down the Cha Cha on a tuesday night!!!

I suppose I should hope that it turns out fine

Man, work was lame today
I recently was given a lot more responsibility, but unfortunatly I have not been given the knowledge to adequately do the job they expect!
Its a little frustrating, I now have three more bosses and MUCH more work to do, I guess it means they trust me, and want to develope me, BAH.... work still sucks

whatev

I am going to watch MASH tonight, then I am REALLY going to want to ride my bike



yup





coffee tommorrow!!!

This one is taken....

You have seen me at my worst, now watch me rise to my best
only I can CHOOSE to be happy
only I can CHOOSE to be sad
It might take awhile for the first part of that to take place
But a free cup of coffee helps
and a movie, seeing young love

that helps, that all helps.


goodnight world, good morning dreams

The shadow proves the sunshine

Or; this ship is obviously sinking

yup, I am walking away

Your right, it needed to happen.

things I hate right now

1. How hairy I am at all times
2. How much soda I drink at work
3. How big my thighs are (i know, i know)
4. My wardrobe currently
5. how little time I spend in music
6. change

things I love right now

1. Harry potter
2. Guitar hero
3. New room mates
4. New house
5. Laila, Jared and Bubba
6. Change

The one holding the communion plate
Sharp features, Dark eyes
Short hair
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now im found was blind but now I see.

If you own a bible, read phillipians then.... lets talk about it!

A shiney new quarter

Three things:

1. Im sitting in a coffee shop in Seattle, on my laptop, listening to death cab, wearing a pair of vans and designer jeans and writting a blog, oh and I rode my fixie here
2. I am more and more becoming your atypical Seattle resident
3. some people have a problem with this, I however am not one of those people!

Fact: The things that I did five years ago got me in trouble
Fact: I think I found a way to get out of that trouble
Fact: I lost some friends this week
Fact: I think I am okay with the above stated facts

I am in my 25th year on this planet and there are quite a few things I have learned, many of those are in the vain of relationship. I attract instable people, I think, its because I myself am unstable, Instabilty breeds instability, so if I am ever going to be "stable" (what ever that means) I need to be around "stable" people.

I just a cup of coffee with a good friend, when I say "good" i dont mean it in the sense of our friendship is the best, because quite frankly it is still new, I say it meaning that she is a good friend TO me, in turn I hope I am related to as a good friend by her, ANYWAYS, we talked about the idea that everybody tries to hold onto who they used to be in the "good ol days" so much so that we hurt who we are today, we stiffle what is really siupposed to happen, we try to force a reality that isnt there. Currently I am going through some "growing" in the vain of friends, I dont end things well. My way of ending something, hurt someone and walk away, I dont know how to do it gracefully! but it needed to end, it needed to be put to rest maybe just for now, sometimes things need space and air and room to grow, to die, im not really sure. One thing I am sure of is that i see a light at the end of the tunnel, cliche, I know, but still its there freinds that fit, that dont cost me anything people that care where my heart is, that ask me where my mind is, people that cultivate healthy relationships.

My life is leading me towards four things

1. Career
2. Connor
3. Music
4. God

Albeit the last one is the most important, I need to feel comfortable in my skin, in my dreams. I had a really good talk last night during a really horrible performance at a coffee shop last night, Laila spoke of feeling "comfortable" in a church setting... it got me thinking... do I feel comfortable at Mars hill? I know that I love mark, and I love the church as a whole... but is ballard my home? I have been talking about working my way into the redmond campus, but why have I not put any steps to the plan? maybe i feel TO comfortable at the ballard campus, maybe what im looking for isnt in the church, but more so in the body of the church. It has been very obvious to many many people that I am lonely, that I am not happy with my current "single" status, is that my fault? it might be! I guess I need to make the choice, Sarah? Denver? or here. It would be benificial for my relationship with my son to move to Colorado, but what about with his mother? what about with my heart?

Sarah and I have been talking alot about things, with us, with the future, with where we will be in said future! I guess we all are just waiting, it only takes one step towards a direction to start a journey, will I walk towards that future? or is there another path?

I am tempted by the forbidden

Best friends, ex-girlfriends, wives, baby sitters, the hostess at a resturant, you name it... temptation is everywhere, the devil knows my weakness... so I cut out the temptation.... I walk away from the situation... we are all better for that!

My life is a boring pop song...

Why am i so pensive about this day
Its just another friday, right? This office job is slowly and methodically... killing me... OR is it killing the me that NEEDS to die?

There are so many things to spend your time on, why spend it worrying about something as trivial as this? I need to be happy! I need to do whats best for me, for connor! does that mean i saty here? work here? live here?
so far, this is the best my life has been, sure, I miss my son dearly, but at the same time, I am an adult, I pay my bills, I go to bed on time, for the most part I get to work on time (this morning sucked) I am happy here... is that about to change? the people that i choose to associate with often define who I am, I love that deffinition right now!

That deffinition is changing, as with everything, new job, new roommates, new friends... these things happen... I need to embrace them as they come, not fight them tooth and nail!

Things change, will I run with those changes or run from those changes

its just another friday, right?

To the tragic, and to the hopefull

There are people in my past, people that I love... when I say love... I mean love... not in a way where I want to marry them... not in a way where I cannot let people in... not in a way that says I am done looking... in the true sense of the word... I love you... that will never change... girlfriends come and go... friends leave... people walk away... but love still remains... as a friend, as a human... as some one I have shared things no one else has ever seen... no one else has ever heard... I love you... thats my heart... there is so much in there... for so many people... why name names? my heart is not exclusive... not yet at least... I am far from making up my mind... I love you

this is me smiling

I am sitting in the living room of renai/ee, right now this is perfect
I like freinds, I like my friends, I like that my friends call me friends
Levi is coming over, Kady is in her room, and my jeans are a little too tight
How come we try so hard to find happiness
when its the times that we are not looking that we find it

This is me smiling!

The winds a cheating wife

does it matter if you love me?
would it matter more if you didnt?

Scatering glass on the floor
hoping that you will fine me
Shatering hearts in your name
screaming please come find me

i hear the tears fall yet i still leave you crying
every turn i take leaves more pain, more loss
ive been told that nothing sounds better then a heart ache
its been sung of for too long, for once make me happy

let me tell you a story, do you have the time?
do you have the patience, do you really care

what if i told you i was leaving?
if you woke up one day and i was


gone


does it really matter where we are tomorrow?
Yes!
if you are not next to me, if you do not follow me
if our paths do not cross in the coming days
why do we walk together today?

can i tell you a story? would you even listen?

today i am gone, i do not exist
do you belive i was different yesterday? i was!
something was wrong with me, you knew it, you could tell....

as soon as it changed, you asked me what was wrong
nothing was wrong... something was right? in me!
honestly, "me" needs to be fixed

would it matter if you loved me?
would it matter more if you didnt?

You won me, wearing blonde

I wrote this song for you, because you say i never think of you, you say i never care... i speak a different language than you, then your freinds, then anyone in your life. maybe, one day, when you find who you really are, you can look back on everything we had... every word i spoke and remember...

you won me wearing blonde...

is this a dream, is this a mystery

is this only in my head

are you really only saying this

to see how much i bleed

its never been this easy

to reminisce, when the memories are endless

so look at me

you won me, wearing blonde

take a hint, take my word

one broken man to a heart hes broken

hear me now, let this settle

you see how much i bleed

its never been any harder, to walk away from you

so look at me

you won me, wearing blonde

one day you will realise, that you watched me grow

before your very eyes

and maybe, just maybe, you will finally hear

all the words i said

its just a simple melody

some thoughtfull little words

with meaning till the morning ends

so hear me now, let this settle

see the just how i bleed

but look at me

you won me, wearing blonde

just look at me

you won me, wearing blonde

(RIP 8/06-2/07)

You whisper soft

I wrote this an an apology

Not to one specific person, not to one specific situation but to my life. For years i have had a perception of "me" that does not reflect who i truely want to be example: i can walk into any room in this city and find someone i know... or who knows me... or who has seen me play etc. etc. but it has been far to long since some one has KNOWN me...

Im not saying in a biblical sense (well that too ha) but truely... since i have let some one in, sat at a coffee shop and not cared about who walked in the door... been so wrapped up in a person and in a conversation, or connection that i loose time... i want that...

I find that there are times in your life when you some how dissapear rom your own life... you "glide" through everything, and when tragedy strikes you look for the "quick fix" how is this going to help me "now" and you forget about tommorrow or thursday or next friday...

how is the choice you make today going to effect you and those around you? what gives you the right to take the spotlight... what gives ME the right?

Nothing!

so why do we feel like we are entitiled to attention? i know i feel that all the time!

so i take it back...i DID write this for someone.. or someone(s) more like it

Kayleen, Tarah, Meg, Jordan, Jason, Jared, Mandy, Sarah, Kelsey, Theresa, Jamie, laila...

and everyone else that i took something from with out asking and never gave anything in return it should be the other way around

thank you or your freindship even when i dont deserve it... i am sorry

"You whisper soft"
Jon William Johnson

This car shakes at any speed above 70
The same goes for my hands when there wrapped in yours
But I cannot look into your shinning eyes
For yours are much to bright
I just drive and drive
So the car starts to shake
and you glance over at me
smile so politly
thank you for the night you say!

What gives me the right?
To push you aside, time and again
When you have given so much
Oh what gives me the right?
To make you cry?
When I know that you're the one
You're the one who's right

Don't kick the car! it will just leave a mark
For future generations to question your intentions
Now It's just a reminder that everything is flawed
My lip starts to shake

What gives me the right?
To push you aside, time and again
When you have given so much
Oh what gives me the right?
To make you cry?
When I know that you're the one
You're the one who's right

Honey its not exactly how we wanted it to be
It wasn't the plan but now is our chance to make
Something great out of a great mistake

Its one A.M. and my hand starts to shake
For fear that your about to steal
My last free pair of lips
You whisper soft
The whiskey speaks louder then the voice of God
But you still whisper soft

All that ive known

P>If i dont change, all the hurt i have caused will be for not

does it matter who i am anymore, am i just a heart that never heals? Just like every one else in my life, in your position you feel like you are entitled to every single part of my life, you feel like i owe you something, i cant say it enough, i have nothing to give, i walk away time and agian because i learn things the hard way, i put myself through the same shit everyday, so what, who cares, its not all about you, you put yourself in this situation MORE than i did, you knew what you were getting into, you asked for it time and again... i have the text messages to prove it... now your mad at me...

You think you know everything about me, about sarah, about connor, about our relationship...

you dont

you wont

have you ever played telephone, third hand information rarely repeats the truth, it is mearly a shadow, blury and deformed, devoid of the facts, mearly an outline. Two months, two months and you think i owe you something

I dont eat, i dont sleep, i cant pay my bills, my head is so full of ideas, intrigue and creativity... i want to accomplish... music... art... t-shirts... coffee.

I am stiffled by the job that i do, i hate it, but i need it so i love it, but it is this job that is tearing my heart right now

I did not lie to you, i mearly left out information that was not pertinant to the situation at hand

I know that sounds like an excuse, but you dont know me, you cant read the walls that are around my heart, the fact is i am alone, terribly, horribly, painfully alone

I forsake the two people in my life that truely love me God and...

I need long term faithfullness... God... work.... connor.... life... SINGLE!!!!

fuck what i want... i dont know what i want... i know what i DESIRE and that is a girl... an unhealthy desire i might add....

I have NOT changed even though i say i have

its clutch time Jon 30 seconds on the clock... what are you going to do

Still sitting there with your legs crossed,
not paying attention to me.
If we talk, just curious, would this end up like it always does?
All the wrong I've done.
All the wrong I'll do.
Keeps me from trying.
It keeps me quiet.
Throw out your arms to each side.
It's easier to let things go.
When we talk think what we say: there's questions then silence and
in silence we remain.
All the wrong I've done and all the wrong I'll do.
It keeps me from trying.
Keeps me from calling you.
Something I just found out.
Something you know by now.
Hope makes you so strong.
Strength keeps you alone and far away

(jimmy eat world)

This is where the water becomes shallow

I just dont know sometimes, like a fire, played in reverse i see the wonder of my life coming back to me....

4th of july, too me, was endless

You said no, no, no thats way to intimate

go, go, go fetch me my cigerettes

lets burn this town down tonight

the driving rain, the blinding pain

your eyes light up like the fourth of july

on the docks beneath the red and white

of love

If this, this is what you wanted,

then why, why arnt you on my side

If this, this is what you wanted

Then why, why arnt you on my side

The city runs cold, the black and the blues

the cops come running to find out whats going on

Cleveland street has never been so alive

in that red dress, the perfect one for late nights

we had too much to drink,

we couldnt keep our hands to our selves

If this, this is what you wanted

then why, why arent you on my side

if this, this is what you wanted

then why, why arent you on my side

Ive seen far to many stories to not see this coming

the ending is clear to me

so take what you want, i wont hold it back

there is nothing that i would not give to you,

if i could freely give it i would

Why do i, talk myself in circles

why are my fingers going numb

Oh, I, I, Ive been looking for you, in another girls eyes

how does this sound to you

Marriage? did you say marriage? I am not sure you understand how long that word is, well, I know it is approx. 9 letters long +/- 1, but really when you sound it out... do it with me now?

m-a-r-r-i-a-g-e

Sounds very close to

f-o-r-e-v-e-r

Dont get me wrong, it sounds nice to me, very very nice, ever since my first proposal, but really?

Marriage?

Shift gears? but of course!

I love, love. I love being in love, i dont care what it does to me!

Wait, sorry same gear.

I get so distracted sometimes, there are so many things that i want to do, I want a nice girl to come home to, every night, I desire it so bad, someone asked me recently if i fell in love easily, and with out hesitation i said yes! as i think about it more and more, i realize that its true, i have always known that i was a sucker for a kind word, i get slain by a brunette with eyes that light fires in places that have been cold and useless for years.

But why now?

Oh sweet lungs dont fail me now your burning has turned into fuel

Drills me in my every step im moving quick but your always on my heel

just one more breath i beg you please

just one more step my knees are weak

my heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive

My body needs a reason to cross that line

Steady lungs dont fail me now

i feel you bursting but you wont let me die

fill me up with every step im feeling sick

but im leaving it behind

Breathe, dont you wanna breathe

I know that you are strong enough to handle what i need

my capilaries scream there is nothing left to feed on

my body needs a reason to cross that line

There are words not said, I am compelled to do what i must do, i am compelled to do what i have been forbidden so i wont sleep tonight if you wont sleep tonight we pass just close enough to touch, I whisper only once....

Breathe

So we will watch the seasons pull up there stakes, we see the last break of sun for the summer, soaked in memories, dripping wet from clear liqour and dreams, you have stolen my heart, just so you know, keep the reciept, please return it if you must, just be carefull, as easy as it is for me to fall? it is just as easy for my heart to be broken.

So i will write you a song, paint you a picture, dream you a dream, but one last thing, before you go?

I am so far from love, so far from forever, but you are the closest thing to "real" that i have seen... thank you for stirring in me what was sleeping, the city longs well for rooftops and invitations, all lace in secret places, you move me to touch...

can you belive your eyes?

I cant wait for you...

On a rack in a store for a discount price
But the color's been changed to a black from white
Though the difference will prob'ly be lost on me
Anyways

And don't worry if laughter is on your lips
Cause you wouldn't be you if you changed for this
And I won't measure love from the tears that drip
From your face

i can't wait for you
i can't wait for you

i suppose i should hope that it turns out fine
But I hope that some sadness does cross your mind
And you'll look for me when you have crossed that line
Come one day

i can't wait for you
i can't wait for you
i can't wait for you

Jon is looking...

if you cut away all that hurts, what would be left
i am in a season of change
a season of release
take away all that is not from you
replace it with all that is you

breath Jon

there are times when you feel so alive, so...

living

she takes your confidence
she takes everything
every wall that you have built, every personality flaw
everything
she takes it away, just by walking up, by saying hi
by calling

awkward

i am alive
i see hope
i see future
i see a path that i want to walk down

who is coming with me?

are you?

what about you?

and you?

i hope your ready, i hope your all ready

this life is not my own

your weak and needled arms

Your eyes are welling up with tears that fall to the floor
your friends all refuse to call, there is no chances left for you
You, you never seems to ask, for the help that you deserve
your load is heavy but it doesn't have to be
clear and clever are my words, they never seem to find their home
where once it was deep within
your heart now slowly fades
beats slow down
loss of blood continues
there is no going back now
we fade away
"don't let em see me like this"
"don't let em see me like this"
"don't let em see me like this"
I won't, dear God I won't

Your weak and needled arms, filled with dreams that stay within
open up and let it out
scream for me, scream for me
"don't let em see me like this"

I am down the hall, choking up where you can't see, it's better that you don't see
Hand still shaking, my fingers grip, a can of soda that is unaware of its fate
"don't let em see me like this"
I say again
"don't let em see me like this"

You, pumped all full of tubes, all your friends would rather call, you say it's better for you both
I have already given up
I can't see you, I can't stand to see you.

Don't let em see me like this

The thought that counts...

late night, see through
your down town after work
lights out, pink dress
you have never looked more beautifull
driving you home has never felt like letting go
but, driving you home, feels like letting go

green eyes, long hair
a rose that much to old
the radio, doesnt work
and awkward silence begins
your father hates me, so Ill drop you
on the corner once again
i guess ill see you
tommorrow after work

Cash Back

Do you ever wish you could stop timejust freeze everythingeverything but yourself?
What would you do in those moments?
"This life is a fire that burns into the night, with widows and captians alive for the fight. You say I am longing for some distant past, when really I long for the touch of your hand"
A thought: Snow falling down, stays in your hair, the footsteps fall soft but a shadow remains, a shape of the foot that once heavily crushed the delicate ground, now imprinted for anyone to see. The first steps on fresh snow, we marked the path for all to follow, poetry as words and beauty as an art form, I still see you smiling face.
think carefully, this next step is hard
the next word is difficult and might lead to our folly
We started something, should we continue?
I know you dont think things through to often
thats why your friends help you out
I am your friend, that is what i want
No, we shall not continue
I gave you the answer the first time
I will not dissapear
My words are clever and precise, they cut like a knife, i leave you wanting more, not sure if you can take it, how can i ever thank you, for going off the deepend... with me