When I am finished with my latte
then my Cinnamon roll....
sad day
I had a dream where i was interviewing the lead singer of Creed (Scott Stapp) about his personal hair style... awkward
whats this life for...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
i still....
i still get excited when we talk, when i get an E mail from you, when you pick up the phone...
its hopeless, truely hopeless
is this my lot in life? always wanting? always hurting? never getting?
i still get excited when I get an e mail from you...
its hopeless
its hopeless, truely hopeless
is this my lot in life? always wanting? always hurting? never getting?
i still get excited when I get an e mail from you...
its hopeless
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
P.S.
I have had 800% of my daily Vitamin C so far!!
FLU!!!GO AWAY!!! I WILL KILL YOU, KILLLLLLL!!!!!!
FLU!!!GO AWAY!!! I WILL KILL YOU, KILLLLLLL!!!!!!
I couldnt sleep last night
I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning, no rhyme, no reason, just awoke
I had a lot of anxiety in my heart, I could not get my head clear, I was wide awake and didn't get back to sleep till six...
6:15 my alarm went off, time to get up, time to get going
"just ten more minuets please"
but those ten minuets would turn into 20, then 30, then I would be late, I hate being late.
It snowed last night, which made the bike ride a little precarious this morning, I live on top of a "gnarly hill" as my friend Isac puts it, think Capitol hill with stop lights in the middle of it... wait... capitol hill DOES have stop lights in the middle of it... well that works too.
People over here (the east side) don't really know what to do with me when I am on the road, they are afraid to pass me even if I am in the bike lane, I get many many honks and fingers, its not my fault you don't know how to drive...
At the bottom of the hill there is a small local coffee shop called "victors" I really love this coffee shop, ad all of the people that work there, one person in particular stands out...
Tara, she is short, with dark hair and big, wonderful, caring eyes, a lovely smile, even if she is abnormally tired, Over the last three years I have had the benefit of meeting her at church, with friends, out on the town, and in many many "normal" situations, she always welcomes me with a huge hug and a smile, she is one of my favorite people right now (mainly because she makes my coffee in the morning)
That being said, I asked her a couple weeks ago about her dating life (or lack there of) she had a very good, very brilliant answer, She said she was dating Jesus, now I am not writing this to say I wanted to ask her out, because she is a good, good friend of mine and that is all that I see her as, but it gave me some ideas...
Am I placing my desire to date, to meet someone, to get married above my relationship with Christ? I think I am... I think I need to sit the next couple of rounds out... I need to train my heart if I am going to win the championship, I need to be ready... My dad always said, walk towards Jesus, keep your eyes on him, the closer you get, the better for you, then when you look to your left or right, see who is walking in the same direction as you, who is growing closer to God WITH you, take her hand, and walk together. I know this is an over used metaphor, but it is STILL so true, My eyes need to be on the creator, not the creation, God will direct me in the way that he wants me to go, I have faith in that.... I have peace in that...
I'm also not drinking any more...
yeah... I know....
I had a lot of anxiety in my heart, I could not get my head clear, I was wide awake and didn't get back to sleep till six...
6:15 my alarm went off, time to get up, time to get going
"just ten more minuets please"
but those ten minuets would turn into 20, then 30, then I would be late, I hate being late.
It snowed last night, which made the bike ride a little precarious this morning, I live on top of a "gnarly hill" as my friend Isac puts it, think Capitol hill with stop lights in the middle of it... wait... capitol hill DOES have stop lights in the middle of it... well that works too.
People over here (the east side) don't really know what to do with me when I am on the road, they are afraid to pass me even if I am in the bike lane, I get many many honks and fingers, its not my fault you don't know how to drive...
At the bottom of the hill there is a small local coffee shop called "victors" I really love this coffee shop, ad all of the people that work there, one person in particular stands out...
Tara, she is short, with dark hair and big, wonderful, caring eyes, a lovely smile, even if she is abnormally tired, Over the last three years I have had the benefit of meeting her at church, with friends, out on the town, and in many many "normal" situations, she always welcomes me with a huge hug and a smile, she is one of my favorite people right now (mainly because she makes my coffee in the morning)
That being said, I asked her a couple weeks ago about her dating life (or lack there of) she had a very good, very brilliant answer, She said she was dating Jesus, now I am not writing this to say I wanted to ask her out, because she is a good, good friend of mine and that is all that I see her as, but it gave me some ideas...
Am I placing my desire to date, to meet someone, to get married above my relationship with Christ? I think I am... I think I need to sit the next couple of rounds out... I need to train my heart if I am going to win the championship, I need to be ready... My dad always said, walk towards Jesus, keep your eyes on him, the closer you get, the better for you, then when you look to your left or right, see who is walking in the same direction as you, who is growing closer to God WITH you, take her hand, and walk together. I know this is an over used metaphor, but it is STILL so true, My eyes need to be on the creator, not the creation, God will direct me in the way that he wants me to go, I have faith in that.... I have peace in that...
I'm also not drinking any more...
yeah... I know....
Monday, January 14, 2008
Expectations
Do you remember your senior year in high school? the last few days of class, barely making it through that last day, hearing that bell ring and knowing that you Will never be a High School student again?
what came next...
summer....
then...
More school? How many of you had an idea of what was going to happen after high school, can anyone really say that they knew at 18 where they would be at 22? I would tend to say no, I don't think anyone really knew who they were going to be at 22. If on the small chance, you did, and you didn't like what you saw in your future, would you change it?
Summers abroad, Alcoholic weekends, Bible studies, AA meetings, skipping class, pregnant by your junior year?
so far from home, so far from your bubble, so many new exciting things to try, to see, to touch, to be touched... all these things are real, people get pregnant, people over dose, people drop out, people get mugged... but... people fall in love, people follow through, people get married, people get Jobs and move to bigger better places!
people follow God's will
The expectations that we had on our 18Th birthday will never come true, you will meet a wonderful spouse, you will make great friends, you will have stories upon stories upon stories... but they will be nothing like the stories that filled your head when you walked down that aisle on the day of graduation, in all honesty, they will be better because they will be real!
With that being said, what makes you think that you can place expectations upon other things, things that are just as important, as ground breaking. I know I have fallen victim to this issue, I place expectations on things that need to be cultivated before they are harvested, people like me, who are hurt, who are broken, and just need someone to look them in the eyes and say...
I am here
not to receive anything, not to gain anything in the end, but simply to love, and let love grow, nurture the pure Joy of learning, and breaking, and rebuilding of trust. I think I need to just sit.... and listen.... and wait....
because something is coming, something big, and fun, and great, and challenging, and hard all at the same time, and when it DOES come, and it will, I will be ready, waiting, with no expectations of what I want it to look like, because it will just be... just be... be what it is supposed to be, I trust my heavenly father with my soul AND my heart... he knows what I need, he knows what I want, he will answer the call... if this is it... he will bring it back.
I keep checking my phone to make sure it still works, I keep chcking my E mail...
You know I could write song about you
what came next...
summer....
then...
More school? How many of you had an idea of what was going to happen after high school, can anyone really say that they knew at 18 where they would be at 22? I would tend to say no, I don't think anyone really knew who they were going to be at 22. If on the small chance, you did, and you didn't like what you saw in your future, would you change it?
Summers abroad, Alcoholic weekends, Bible studies, AA meetings, skipping class, pregnant by your junior year?
so far from home, so far from your bubble, so many new exciting things to try, to see, to touch, to be touched... all these things are real, people get pregnant, people over dose, people drop out, people get mugged... but... people fall in love, people follow through, people get married, people get Jobs and move to bigger better places!
people follow God's will
The expectations that we had on our 18Th birthday will never come true, you will meet a wonderful spouse, you will make great friends, you will have stories upon stories upon stories... but they will be nothing like the stories that filled your head when you walked down that aisle on the day of graduation, in all honesty, they will be better because they will be real!
With that being said, what makes you think that you can place expectations upon other things, things that are just as important, as ground breaking. I know I have fallen victim to this issue, I place expectations on things that need to be cultivated before they are harvested, people like me, who are hurt, who are broken, and just need someone to look them in the eyes and say...
I am here
not to receive anything, not to gain anything in the end, but simply to love, and let love grow, nurture the pure Joy of learning, and breaking, and rebuilding of trust. I think I need to just sit.... and listen.... and wait....
because something is coming, something big, and fun, and great, and challenging, and hard all at the same time, and when it DOES come, and it will, I will be ready, waiting, with no expectations of what I want it to look like, because it will just be... just be... be what it is supposed to be, I trust my heavenly father with my soul AND my heart... he knows what I need, he knows what I want, he will answer the call... if this is it... he will bring it back.
I keep checking my phone to make sure it still works, I keep chcking my E mail...
You know I could write song about you
Friday, January 4, 2008
When I was 15 years old
I threw away my retainer on accident, It was on my lunch tray while I was enjoying Pizza day at school, I cant tell you how freeing it was, not to feel that smooth plastic support on the roof of my mouth, oh how care free I was, I smiled and smiled knowing that I didnt have to worry about that thin piece of metal giving me away to all the upper classmen, that my teeth were not perfect, unlike there's. Needless to say as soon as I got home my mother asked where it was, I was obligated to tell her, she was not very happy, She took me to the dentist the next day and I got a replacemnt one ordered, it took a week, and for that week I tasted freedom like I had never had, a freedom that I wouldnt taste again untill well past my senior year of high school...
How many times to we feel like we are tied to something, this something is supposed to help us, be the best thing for us, healthy, right... but when you step away from that thing, what ever it maybe (religion in my case)you feel free... but you dont really understand the damage that you are causing, much like the week without my retainer, when I put it back in a week later it was tight, uncomfartable and painfull... caused more harm then good... sure it felt good to walk away from it for a while, but in the end it cause more harm then good...
this is my life right now, I walked away from my true love, my true calling, my true gift, and now that I am coming back, it is uncomfortable, painfull, I have caused more harm then good...
its intersting how things come full circle
How many times to we feel like we are tied to something, this something is supposed to help us, be the best thing for us, healthy, right... but when you step away from that thing, what ever it maybe (religion in my case)you feel free... but you dont really understand the damage that you are causing, much like the week without my retainer, when I put it back in a week later it was tight, uncomfartable and painfull... caused more harm then good... sure it felt good to walk away from it for a while, but in the end it cause more harm then good...
this is my life right now, I walked away from my true love, my true calling, my true gift, and now that I am coming back, it is uncomfortable, painfull, I have caused more harm then good...
its intersting how things come full circle
Thursday, January 3, 2008
If you think that I could be forgiven - I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter,
and the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls.
All at once you look across a crowded room
to see the way that light attaches to a girl.
Will you ever trust me again?
will you ever get over the past, will you ever see me for who I am today?
Instead of who I was two years ago?
I have changed, have I showed you that?
will you be able to see that?
Do I want you to see that?
How many times does a situation throw you back to years before, when it was okay, But its not okay anymore, it shouldnt be... she told me I should take you home... I never would... secretly I wanted to leave two hours before.... alone... why didnt I?
Have I really changed that much? I like to think I have, because who I was, was so devistatingly distructive, I dont want to be that person anymore, now I have goals, now I have plans, now I need to ignore the text messages... the scorn... the places we run into each other...
thats it! thats the key! no... not avoidence, practical life applications! it will work, man, that sucks, but i guess that will give me more time to focus on my music! But i would still like to know you forgive me, that you will move on, and be okay, and mearly call it a mistake.
I was your mistake, she was mine
I broke a finger nail
and the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls.
All at once you look across a crowded room
to see the way that light attaches to a girl.
Will you ever trust me again?
will you ever get over the past, will you ever see me for who I am today?
Instead of who I was two years ago?
I have changed, have I showed you that?
will you be able to see that?
Do I want you to see that?
How many times does a situation throw you back to years before, when it was okay, But its not okay anymore, it shouldnt be... she told me I should take you home... I never would... secretly I wanted to leave two hours before.... alone... why didnt I?
Have I really changed that much? I like to think I have, because who I was, was so devistatingly distructive, I dont want to be that person anymore, now I have goals, now I have plans, now I need to ignore the text messages... the scorn... the places we run into each other...
thats it! thats the key! no... not avoidence, practical life applications! it will work, man, that sucks, but i guess that will give me more time to focus on my music! But i would still like to know you forgive me, that you will move on, and be okay, and mearly call it a mistake.
I was your mistake, she was mine
I broke a finger nail
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Greece in 2009
Mars Hill is going to greece in 2009
I am going with
I only need $3500!
I need a plan of attack!
I am going with
I only need $3500!
I need a plan of attack!
My dreams are not the issue here...
For thee, the hammer holds, The task before me, seems unclear, but it my maker holds.
"The fact that it's 2008 won't really make much difference other than help me categorize and condense moments in my life when needed for recall in the future."
My dear, dear friend Laila said that, its funny, I just had a conversation about this last night with a new friend...
This life is so fleeting, we spend so much time worrying about tomorrow, when tomorrow may never come, BUT if we live for today, with no regrets, with no HOPE for tomorrow, then we miss on the truest blessing of all.... seeing our dreams... seeing our calling revealed.
I love my life, My friends, those who are new to my circle, those who are old, Ashlea, Lara, Laila, Sarah M. Jared, Preston... and those who I have just recently met...
This new years was a great view of whats to come... Music... friends... Girlfriend?? but all in all, the Lord has blessed me with so many great things that I cant help but praise him for it all... my job.... my house.... my car... my joy... but with that joy come pain... I thank the Lord for my son, I thank the Lord for Sarah Frank who takes care of my precious piece of Joy everyday... Its a thankless job and she does it so well, she is such an amazing mother and person, I know we have our differences, but at the end of the day I am so thankful that I met her, with out her, I would never have been able to hold my son... I never would have had the Joy of being in the room when he came out... I never would have LOST it in uncontrollable tears as I held him for the first time.. been there for his first steps.... first words... first "daddy"
To this day whenever there is a movie that involves young families... single parents... unplanned pregnancy's or the like... I get so emotional... its funny... I am such a strong guy... but that little guy... that precious little soul... is so close to my heart that the slightest thing brings me to my knees and reminds me of how much I love him, I live for him... that's why I am here... to love... serve... and raise him...
My love.... My son.... with out him I am nothing
he turned her head as if to hide
there was just no where to go
cause standing tall on every side
the mighty fear of letting go
he said my God I'm so ashamed
thirty years of tragedy
I still believe that She could change
but she pulled me down like gravity
he broke my will
But deeper still, deeper still
he told me morning was the time
when the sun burned bright and clean
and love grew fragile on the vine
all wrapped up in golden green
cause after all we know we are
and after all the same things
before the sun or rain could fall
it burned her up and turned her mean
its fire that kills me
its deeper still
tonight I rose up with the moon
looking down from high above
saw a world carved and confused
to valleys deep in need of love
and falling all thick with grace
heavens cloud of mystery
its filling every empty space
down to the depth of human need
this love that heals
is deeper still
"The fact that it's 2008 won't really make much difference other than help me categorize and condense moments in my life when needed for recall in the future."
My dear, dear friend Laila said that, its funny, I just had a conversation about this last night with a new friend...
This life is so fleeting, we spend so much time worrying about tomorrow, when tomorrow may never come, BUT if we live for today, with no regrets, with no HOPE for tomorrow, then we miss on the truest blessing of all.... seeing our dreams... seeing our calling revealed.
I love my life, My friends, those who are new to my circle, those who are old, Ashlea, Lara, Laila, Sarah M. Jared, Preston... and those who I have just recently met...
This new years was a great view of whats to come... Music... friends... Girlfriend?? but all in all, the Lord has blessed me with so many great things that I cant help but praise him for it all... my job.... my house.... my car... my joy... but with that joy come pain... I thank the Lord for my son, I thank the Lord for Sarah Frank who takes care of my precious piece of Joy everyday... Its a thankless job and she does it so well, she is such an amazing mother and person, I know we have our differences, but at the end of the day I am so thankful that I met her, with out her, I would never have been able to hold my son... I never would have had the Joy of being in the room when he came out... I never would have LOST it in uncontrollable tears as I held him for the first time.. been there for his first steps.... first words... first "daddy"
To this day whenever there is a movie that involves young families... single parents... unplanned pregnancy's or the like... I get so emotional... its funny... I am such a strong guy... but that little guy... that precious little soul... is so close to my heart that the slightest thing brings me to my knees and reminds me of how much I love him, I live for him... that's why I am here... to love... serve... and raise him...
My love.... My son.... with out him I am nothing
he turned her head as if to hide
there was just no where to go
cause standing tall on every side
the mighty fear of letting go
he said my God I'm so ashamed
thirty years of tragedy
I still believe that She could change
but she pulled me down like gravity
he broke my will
But deeper still, deeper still
he told me morning was the time
when the sun burned bright and clean
and love grew fragile on the vine
all wrapped up in golden green
cause after all we know we are
and after all the same things
before the sun or rain could fall
it burned her up and turned her mean
its fire that kills me
its deeper still
tonight I rose up with the moon
looking down from high above
saw a world carved and confused
to valleys deep in need of love
and falling all thick with grace
heavens cloud of mystery
its filling every empty space
down to the depth of human need
this love that heals
is deeper still
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