One friday morning

I woke up this morning in a stale room, recycled air, 74 degrees. Climbing out of bed I dressed myself in a T shirt, arm pits yellowed with time, and a baggy pair of sweat pants, they felt familiar, this all felt familiar. The clock glowed 6:13 am, dark green on a black back drop, I had three packages of individually wrapped saltines for breakfast, they had been sitting on my dresser for weeks, not really the healthiest, but they will have to do. I pulled open the small window above my small bed, the fresh air snapped me back to my senses, I turned of my alarm clock radio which had been buzzing Vivaldi for the last ten minuets, my roommates usually poke there head in my room and turn it off for me, before I have a chance to get at it myself.

I grab my towel off of the door where i hung it yesterday morning, walk to the bathroom, the floor is cold, its a universal truth, the linoleum in the bathroom will be cold, no matter what, I find comfort in that. The shower head sputters as I turn it on, the room fills with steam, I climb into the shower and face my back to the shower head, rubbing my neck under the warm water, I grab the dry, cracked bar of soap from the ledge of the shower, lather it up and coat my body in a comfortable white film, a shell, a new layer of skin, one that I get used to, but just as easily I can shed. With a stern hand, I wash the new skin off of me, afraid to look at it any longer, afraid to compare it to what was underneath, what really is. I lather my hair, rinse, repeat, as i run my hands over my freshly clean skin, hair, I study the imperfections, a long scar on my knee, jutting coller bone, scars on my wrist, as the water falls over my face, I turn the heat up, slowly, until I cant hold my face under the water anymore, I turn the water off and step out into the world. My reflection in the mirrors have been replaced with a fog, a mist a different view of myself, I towel off and toddle down the hall way back to my room.

The window has been open the whole time, exactly 19 minuets, cold and crisp as the outside morning air, I find a pair of clean underwear, socks, I put on my new Khakis, I purchased them from J Crew a month ago, the tag is still on the waste band, I tell myself it is so I can bring them back whenever I want, but really its about control. I have a new flannel that I have been falling in love with, I gingerly place it over the same white T shirt with the yellowing arm pits that I threw on before I took a shower, Slip on some sneakers, pocket my wallet, keys, phone, cash, its 6:43 and I don't need to be at work till Eight.

As I step out the front door, on my way to my little red car, I have a desire to see something, something other then what I see every morning, I am up unusually early for no real reason, so, Instead of heading right for my car, I walk around the neighborhood for a while, 48 minuets to be exact, I see men jogging before work, mothers dropping kids off at near by day cares, teenagers and business men walking the there respectable bus stops, all of this life happening around me, all of these people, looking out from there own eyes, seeing things in a way that I will never understand, I smile at a young woman that I pass on the sidewalk, she is in a business suit, cant be more the 24 years old, her eyes are friendly, her head is cocked slightly to the side, she has a briefcase in one had and a Star wars lunch pale in the other... curious, I think, but quickly I forget her, as I come back to my culde sac I walk to my car door, unlock it open the door... but before i get in, I look around, one last time, at the people, the birds, the sky the bus, this is the last time I will be in this moment, my car shutters as it starts, and I am off, its Friday, and I am in love.

Her heart was hard... in produce section of QFC

We see life in between the fault lines

her husband left her, a year ago, there three children all live abroad
Missionary in Uganda
Peace core
Teaching English in China

I cant tell you the way her heart swelled as she relayed the stories of her newly wed son, still a child, married in traditional ugandan fashion, in the desert, with his new wifes family, none of them spoke english... she was able to see her son web, and meet her new family. A world away, while his mothers life was falling apart, his life was coming together, like she could never have experienced, this is a new world.

Her daughter left Scott, he was no good for her anyways, her students were to important and Scott wanted to get married, her daughter was to young, she was coming home for a month to help her mom move into a smaller apartment, since the divorce, money had been tight, and she couldnt make the house payments.

The peace core took her eldest to Azerbijan, on the iranian border, no peace, no hope, just lives torn apart, hearts looking for a home. Her son was bringing that home to them, that hope was in his eyes, in his hug, the children loved him most...

There mother told story after story of her lovely children making something great of there lives, all the while she hid the pain and harsh reality that hers had fallin apart, she was ashamed everytime she spoke of there father, maybe he ran out on her, maybe he had another lover, I never found out, but thats okay...

I wanted to tell her... I wanted to hug her, and tell her, that her life is not falling apart, her life is not in shambles, I wanted to hold her hand and walk with her as she picked out her tomatoes and her lettuce and reassure her that her children are pushing on a legacy so much greater then that of a perfect marriage, of perfect parents...

I walked away from that QFC with some hope... that life will go on, when life falls apart... life will go on...

thank you for that, Mother in QFC, thank you.

I know

the sun also rises,and there is still 40 miles to go
I can tread this water with out you
but i dont want to
Rain come slowly
nights in the grass dont have to end
you have stirred something in me that deserves you
It has called to you and you have answered
thank you for that answer
even if its not the whole question
like
where will you be?
when will you go?
A home is no more just four walls and a roof
a home is where I find rest, where i find comfort
where i find myself
my home wont be in the mountins, it wont be in the city
It will not be a house, on the lower east side
Or a boat, when the tide is right
no, my home is in your eyes, sitting on this blanket,
as the sun shines above us
these words drip from my lips like sweetened honey
"I love you, I love you"
and I love how your face still lights up when it rest on my shoulder
and how you waited for me to pray
I saw those tears fall down your face
the only thing I wanted to do, was crawl into you heart
and push all the fears aside, so when you look in my eyes
you feel alive

I wont come home till after, ive shaken hands with native lands

I leave for LA in less then two weeks, I honestly cant wait to sit in a van for 22 hours... then play music... then eat, sleep, repeat... this needs to be my life

Thank God for the people in my life right now, i hope none of them dissapear

this is going to be a good summer

You know where ill be

I have let you in where nothings ever been
I can live again a better life
I have let you in where nothings ever been...

This life is filled with walking in the shadows, talking to strangers, showing the pieces of your self that not many people really see... we make our choices, and we make them with our whole heart, I didn't think anyone understood what it was like to fully love someone.. then to see your life... to feel that kiss on your neck... and have that fear.. that utter terror, that something was not right... but at the same time... something was completely right... this life is short, this heart if frail, do I throw it against the wall, and draw a picture of my love with the mess that I made?

or do i choose not to care... all that's left from this tragedy is a hand full of memories and i hope that one day we will clean up the mess that we made, I think the reason I am moving on... is because I found something better... I found someone better suited... for this crazy mixed up world... to spend my time with... to share my heart with

we will see, I hope I don't screw this one up, I can fall pretty hard.

the Nectar and what is means to you

Anathollo last night at the Nectar was so amazing, I stood next to my best friend laila and saw the excitement in her eyes as well...

They took the stage (all 7 of em) all of them with a different dance, a different feel, they felt alive, there was an electricity on stage... bells, horns, drums, keyboards and guitars... they moved between them all so seamlessly it was there form of communication, and they spoke it so eloquently...

this was my third time seeing them live, and they only have gotten better, closer... the new songs were wonderful, I cant wait till there next LP if Floating world was any indication of what the band can do in a studio I promise you the next one will be just as ground breaking, you don't here "movements" in pop music any more, but listen to this band, you will hear a song that is alive, growing, stretching its legs, learning to walk, and finally turning into something completely exciting, thank you Matt and Co. you are making music to awaken the soul, to stir a group of people so used to pseudo mediocrity when it comes to music, this is what we all need

U'ste shon shon

shouldnt of had that drink

its 2 am the streets are empty
except for the flashing blue and white
the doors ajar, your seat is empty
they are giving you a free ride

shouldnt of had that drink
shouldnt of had that dance
shouldnt of shared that moment with that stranger on the street
shouldnt of had that drink
shouldnt of made those eyes
shouldnt of kissed him squarely on the mouth thats full of lies
shouldnt of had that drink

its 3 am and they let you go home
your frineds are waiting outside for you
your welling eyes are selling lies
that im not buying anymore

shouldnt of had that drink
shouldnt of had that dance
shouldnt of shared that moment with that stranger on the street
shouldnt of had that drink
shouldnt of made those eyes
shouldnt of kissed him squarely on the mouth thats full of lies
shouldnt of had that drink

(its just A pop song)